So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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