I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
