2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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