i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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