Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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