I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
