plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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