I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
