If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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