When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
