I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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