have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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