Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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