I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
