I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
