at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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