Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
