I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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