those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
