He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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