I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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