carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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