I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
