Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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