I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
