Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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