I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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