I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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