Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
