omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
