Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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