Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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