If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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