Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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