By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
