Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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