lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We got so high we made milksteak
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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