Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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