My balls are so social today.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
