I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Congratulations! We have a period
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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