I just pynch a tree in the face
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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