You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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