I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
