I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
