while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
