i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ladies don't puke and tell
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
