Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
