Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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