i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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