sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
