I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
