Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You're like the curious george of whores
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
