Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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